Autism question

During a school project my class wrote down questions about having autism for me to answer.  I decided to post the questions and answers on my blog as well.

Q: Is there anything you can’t do now that you would like to be able to do?

A: Buy my dream house, but the reason I can’t do that isn’t because I have autism.  Honestly, having autism has never made it so I can’t do anything, it has just made certain things more difficult.  Sometimes I decide that it is not worth the effort it would take to do them.  For example, when I was looking for a job I decided not to apply at Bath and Body Works because I knew all the smells would get overwhelming.  But just because something is going to be difficult does not mean I cannot do it, it just means I have to decide if it is worth it.  Sometimes I decide it is worth it, and sometimes I decide it isn’t.

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Need to get my feelings out

This post may be kind of rambling, I just need to get my feelings out.

I miss my baby, my sweet River, so much.  I hate that she is gone.  It feels like my life is a puzzle with a piece missing.  Things will never be right or complete again.  No matter how beautiful the puzzle (and I do have a wonderful life) a piece will always be missing.  The hardest part might be that this can never be fixed.  I will never have my baby back, at least not in this life.  I will always have this hole in my heart.

Sometimes I am actually jealous of those who have late miscarriages or stillbirths.  I know that sounds strange, but I just wish I had gotten more time.  I lost River just 4 days after finding out about her.  I never heard her heartbeat, never saw her on an ultrasound, I don’t have any piece of her.  I have things that remind me of her, but it is things that I bought.  There is also so much that I never did because I thought I had more time.  I never sang to her, I never read her stories, talked to her, told her that I loved her.  I don’t even actually know if she is a girl, I just can’t call her an it, so I call her a she.  I wish I had something, anything.

It also hurts that everyone else has just moved on.  No one talks about her, I doubt anyone even thinks about her.  I miss her so much that sometimes I can hardly breathe through the pain, but no one else cares.  I know that a miscarriage is very different for the mother than it is for those around her.  No one else really had a connection with my baby, so they are not feeling the same loss as I am.  I just want someone else to miss her.  I want her to be loved and remembered and missed.

I had no idea a miscarriage could hurt so much.

Therapy evaluation

I have been concerned about Mingli for a long time now, since before he turned a year old.  He just didn’t seem to be meeting his speech milestones.  I tried to do what I knew how to at home, because I learned some very basic speech techniques in my special education classes, but it was just a couple of basic things that were touched on, and the things I knew weren’t helping.  At his 18 month appointment I mentioned it to his doctor but when they did the screener he was in the range that they said we should monitor it but not low enough that they thought we should get him therapy.  At his last appointment our doctor agreed that we should get him tested.

A couple of weeks ago two therapists came to do an evaluation on him.  It was a little strange because I have done unofficial evaluations with children before at school, but it is so different as a parent.  It was actually kind of hard watching them try to get him to do things that I knew he couldn’t do.  He scored lower than I thought he would, but they are going to get him therapy.  Starting in January he is going to have weekly speech therapy.  We are not sure how long it will last, it may just be a couple months, it may extend longer.  We will just have to see how it goes.

2 1/2 years!

This month Mingli turned 2 and 1/2!  He is just getting so big.  He is such an affectionate little boy.  He loves giving hugs and kisses, and has even started saying I love you.  The other day I was sitting with him and I said “I love Mingli, I love daddy, and I love Iella.”  He thought a minute then said “I love mama, love daddy, love Iella, love baby (he calls himself baby).”  His speech is also getting better every day.  He actually asked Kaanas to open a door for him the other day by saying “Daddy, open door.”

Mingli is currently obsessed with Moana.  He wants to watch it a few times every since day.  He tries to sing along with some of the songs as well.

Mingli still loves cars, but more than anything fire trucks right now, which is funny because he used to be so scared of fire trucks.  He will walk around the house going “wa, wa, wa (his fire truck noise).”  He really loves any noise, actually.  He knows so many animal noises and loves pointing out different animals and telling people what noises they make.  His favorite animal is an elephant, but he also loves the alligator noise.

He loves singing songs and is constantly learning more.  His new one is wheels on the bus, and he constantly wants to sing it.  He will even tell me which verse he wants to sing.  He also love patty cake, itsy bitsy spider, teasing mr. crocodile, and ABCs.

I love my little boy so much.

Pregnancy trauma

I have been having a hard time for a little while now.  After Iella was born my depression pretty much all went away, and it is still mostly gone, but my anxiety has started getting bad.  I almost wonder if it is kind of like PTSD.  I keep having nightmares about getting pregnant again.  I have flashbacks to the worst moments of my pregnancy, the ones where I didn’t think I would survive, when I thought I wouldn’t get to see Mingli grow up, the moment Iella was born blue and not moving when I thought she was dead and it was all my fault.  Often these flashbacks are accompanied with crying and hyperventilating.  Sometimes during the day I will just randomly think “what if I get pregnant again?” and it will put me into a panic attack.  The thought of going through another pregnancy has me so scared I can hardly think.  I am positive I won’t survive another pregnancy.

At the same time I want to have another baby so bad.  Kaanas and I have talked about adopting, and that is something I want to do no matter what, but it makes me sad that I may never have another newborn, may never get to nurse another baby.  I would love a child that I adopt just as much as Mingli and Iella, but the moments I would miss with that child makes me sad.

Christmas

We had a great Christmas here.  This year Mingli was a little more into everything than he was last year and seemed to at least kind of understand what was going on.  Iella of course didn’t care about anything other than getting cuddled.  Well, almost nothing.

Christmas Eve day was fairly busy as always.  Since it was Sunday we went to church in the morning.  We only had sacrament meeting, and it was earlier than usual, so that everyone could get home and be with their families.

At home I got to work finishing up stockings.  My mom bought new stockings for everyone in the family this year and I offered to embroider names on all of them.  I still had about half of the stocking still to do, so I got busy as soon as church was over.  By this time I was in a good groove with them, though, and was able to move through them fast.  Everyone else was wrapping up last minute presents and doing Christmas cooking.

In my family on Christmas Eve we do our Christmas play then open presents.  This year both of my kids were in the family Christmas play.  Mingli was Joseph and Iella was an angel.

After that we opened presents, and I was so excited about this.  In my family we do family presents Christmas Eve and Christmas morning is for Santa presents.  This is how I have always liked it, but Kaanas likes all presents to be on Christmas morning.  This year I finally started to agree with him.  Last year we were able to take time with the presents and Mingli was able to play with all of them as he opened them.  This year we rushed through the presents, just giving Mingli a few seconds to look at each one before having to move on to the next one.  As soon as he had opened them all they were all taken away because it was already an hour past his bedtime.  Despite this Mingli still seemed to have a good time and was excited about all of his presents.

After he went to bed Kaanas and I went to set up his Santa presents.  In my family Santa presents aren’t wrapped.  Most of them are actually taken out of the package and set up for a wow factor as the kids come down.  This is a tradition we are continuing because I love it.  Some things are just so much better set up, like the ball pit Mingli got for Christmas this year.

We woke Mingli and Ebo up at about 8 in the morning because I couldn’t wait anymore.  Last year Christmas morning Mingi saw the toys, then turned around and walked away.  This year he went right for them.  We also brought down his toys from last night so he could play with those.  He had so much fun all morning with his big cars, ball pit, play dough kit, and lots more.  Honestly, we kind of went overboard with presents this year.  Iella even got a present that she actually liked.  We got her a little crescent shaped cushion that had toys hanging off it for tummy time and when I put her on it her eyes got really big as she focused on the toys, one of which was a mirror.

Overall it was a really good Christmas.

River’s day

The 21st of December was the 1 month anniversary of the due date of the baby I lost last year, our precious River Noel.  I’ve written on here about how I couldn’t move on.  My grief was keeping me from being a good parent to Mingli.  Then I started counseling and realized that the problem I was having was I was trying to move on with my life and not think about my baby, but I just couldn’t do that.  River was my baby and I couldn’t just leave her behind.  My counselor helped me figure out how to honor River so I could find peace again (the first thing was actually naming my baby).  Part of that is celebrating my baby every year on the day she was due.

This year was really difficult.  I remember how excited I was when Mingli was turning 1.  I started planning months in advance for his party just because I was so excited.  All this month I have been thinking that if I hadn’t lost River I would have been planning her party.  It makes me really sad that I will never get that.

Kaanas took the 21st off so we could spend the day as a family.  We had a few things planned, first being going out to eat as a family.  After that we went to the mall to find Santa.  There was a long line, but we were able to get pictures with both of the kids and Santa.  By the time we were done with that it was dark so we drove around and looked at the lights, then went to Walmart.  Every year I am doing something for a charity in River’s honor.  This is another way I have managed to find peace.  Even though River is gone the world is still a better place because she was here.  This year we decided to make a donation to the children’s hospital Iella was in after she was born.  They had a list online of toys they need, so we took that to Walmart and bought some of the toys of the list.  We also bought some holiday sugar cookies to cook when we got home.  At home we cooked our cookies and cuddled in bed while eating them.  It was actually a really good day.  I like celebrating my baby.

“The world my never notice if a rosebud doesn’t bloom:

Or even pause to wonder if the petals fell to soon.

But every life that ever forms, or ever comes to be

Touches the world in some small way for all eternity.

The little ones we longed for were swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do

Every beating of my heart says ‘I remember you'”

-sayinggoodbye.org

 

I will love you forever, my sweet River.

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