Need to get my feelings out

This post may be kind of rambling, I just need to get my feelings out.

I miss my baby, my sweet River, so much.  I hate that she is gone.  It feels like my life is a puzzle with a piece missing.  Things will never be right or complete again.  No matter how beautiful the puzzle (and I do have a wonderful life) a piece will always be missing.  The hardest part might be that this can never be fixed.  I will never have my baby back, at least not in this life.  I will always have this hole in my heart.

Sometimes I am actually jealous of those who have late miscarriages or stillbirths.  I know that sounds strange, but I just wish I had gotten more time.  I lost River just 4 days after finding out about her.  I never heard her heartbeat, never saw her on an ultrasound, I don’t have any piece of her.  I have things that remind me of her, but it is things that I bought.  There is also so much that I never did because I thought I had more time.  I never sang to her, I never read her stories, talked to her, told her that I loved her.  I don’t even actually know if she is a girl, I just can’t call her an it, so I call her a she.  I wish I had something, anything.

It also hurts that everyone else has just moved on.  No one talks about her, I doubt anyone even thinks about her.  I miss her so much that sometimes I can hardly breathe through the pain, but no one else cares.  I know that a miscarriage is very different for the mother than it is for those around her.  No one else really had a connection with my baby, so they are not feeling the same loss as I am.  I just want someone else to miss her.  I want her to be loved and remembered and missed.

I had no idea a miscarriage could hurt so much.


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