The other baby

At the wedding reception on Saturday I finally met my cousin’s new baby.  Honestly, I have been avoiding this ever since she was born because I knew it would be difficult for me.  I also avoided my cousin while she was pregnant if I could help it.  I have been around other pregnant women and newborn babies since my miscarriage, but this was different.  My cousin was due just 3 days before I was supposed to have been due.  She also had a little girl, which is what I always think of my baby as.  Every time I heard about her pregnancy milestones (ultrasounds, feeling the baby kick, etc.) I would just think, “If I was still pregnant I’d be in the same stage.”  Now it is the same with her baby.  I see things on facebook about her, and I think, “River (the name I gave my baby) would be at the same stage.”  Most of the time now I am doing fine.  I am able to focus on what I gained from my short pregnancy instead of what I lost when it ended, but when I see or hear about my cousin’s baby all I can think about is what I lost.  I feel drawn to this baby, I want to take her in my arms, hold her, kiss her, love her, because she is the same age as my River would have been, but she is not my River, and because of that I can’t bring myself to hold her or be near her.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for my cousin.  They had difficulty getting pregnant, trying for years before they finally had this baby.  I don’t resent them or their baby, but being around them hurts.  Saturday night I cried over my miscarriage for the first time in a long time.

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