Time off work

Lately my anxiety has been super high.  I have been becoming physically ill at times because I am so anxious and cannot calm myself down.  At times I am paralyzed by it, unable to move or think or function.  The only way I have been managing to do anything if by being productive for about 5 minutes, until the anxiety becomes unbearable, then taking a break for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, when I am finally able to calm down, then working for another 5 minutes.  Work has been making this worse.  At work there is nothing I can do.  I can’t take breaks when I need to to calm down, I can’t do anything to calm down.  I have to stand there and smile and help customers, some of who do not make my job any easier.  I spend all day at work trying to force myself to know have an anxiety attack.  I try to breathe, not think about it, not feel it.  I force it down and hold everything in as tightly as I can.  I am trapped at work with no where to go and no way to relieve my anxiety.  Often the day before I have to work I start become unbearably anxious about it, and then after work it takes me a day to two to recover from the stress.  Now, I love where I work.  My Home Depot is filled with wonderful people who have never been anything but nice to me.  My anxiety about work is not because of where I work, or anything they have done, it is being trapped with my anxiety for hours at a time that has made me fear work.  Last week Kaanas and I talked and we decided that I just can’t live like this anymore.  I am not functioning and I am nauseous all the time.  So last night I went into work and talked to one of the managers.  I told her what was going on, and that I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I told her that I loved working there, but I needed a break.  She was amazingly understanding, and they are putting me on a leave of absence.  I can be gone for up to a year, and when I am ready to come back I can just call them and they will get me back on the schedule.  I am hoping that in a month or two I will have my anxiety under control enough that I can work again.  I am going to talk to my counselor about it, and try and get an appointment with my doctor to see if my meds need to be adjusted.  In the meantime I am focusing on myself and my family.  I am trying to let go of unnecessary commitments that bring me stress.  Hopefully I can get this figured out soon.

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