While reading another blog I came across this quote that I really loved by Jamie Anderson.  “Grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go.”   I feel like it describes my grief over my miscarriage perfectly.  It is hard to really understand how much you can love a baby you that have never met, that you had only learned a few days ago even existed, until you have felt that love.  Four days was all I had with my baby, but already I would have given my life for it.  For months I was crushed by the grief of losing my baby.  I would think of all the things I would never do with my baby.  Being with Mingli was difficult because in the middle of playing with him I would think “I’ll never do this with my other baby,” and then all of a sudden I could barely breathe.  I loved my baby with every part of me, but that love had no where to go.  That is also how I finally stopped grieving, by letting myself love my baby.  I don’t believe that death is the end.  I believe in Heaven, and I believe that after we die we can be reunited with our loved ones, and that families can be eternal.  I also believe that we can feel close to the spirits of the loved ones we lost.  Now when I feel sad and miss my baby I imagine her spirit (I don’t actually know if she was a boy or a girl, but I imagine her as a girl), I picture her near me, sometimes I hold the teddy bear we bought for her and talk to her.  I think of how happy I will be when I get to see her again.  As I do this my sadness turns to love and gratitude.  I have managed to stop grieving by giving my love a place to go.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Bernice
    Jan 27, 2017 @ 00:44:39

    Powerful words. I’m sorry for your loss X


    • Eärthea
      Jan 27, 2017 @ 10:52:58

      Thank you. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I wouldn’t wish it away (well, I do wish that I could have kept my baby, but I never wish the pregnancy hadn’t happened). Physically it was an easy miscarriage, and I realized a while back that if I had waited a few days to take the pregnancy test I never would have even known, I never would have had to experience the grief I did, but I am glad I knew. Love is always worth the pain it brings, and I am grateful for the chance I got to love my baby.


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