So quite a bit has happened the last few months.

First, I started working part time as a cashier at Home Depot.  Kaanas and I decided that we needed just a little bit of additional income, so I am working 2 evenings a week.  I work while Kaanas is home so he can watch Mingli, that way we don’t need childcare.  It was a bit stressful at first, I didn’t like leaving Mingli, but now we have adjusted and it is getting better.  Mingli and Kaanas like spending time together and have gotten closer with all the father son time.  It is also nice for me to be out of the house more.  I go a little stir crazy sometimes cooped up all day.

I am an aunt now.  Roark and Anais had a little baby just before Halloween, I’m calling him Ebo.  He is 2 months old now and he is pretty cute.  Mingli is fascinated with him.  He just stares at him like he is the most amazing thing he has ever seen.  It is adorable.  We got to see them for a bit, then they moved to Indiana so Roark could work with our dad.

Things got really hard for a while with the miscarriage.  I thought they were getting better, but then it got so much worse.  I couldn’t move on.  Everything felt wrong.  I just thought about how different my life was supposed to be.  I felt like I was supposed to move on, to get on with my life, but part of me just refused.  My baby had died, how could I, as the baby’s mother, just move on and forget?  I got stuck.  I thought I was supposed to be grieving in a specific way, but grieving in that way was just making it harder.  I couldn’t move on and leave my baby behind, I just couldn’t.  I finally started seeing someone to get some help, and it helped so much.  I realized that the way I was trying to grieve wasn’t right for me.  I started doing things to help me remember my baby.  I started talking to my baby, and when I do I can feel my baby close to me.  I thought trying to do things to remember my baby would make it so I got stuck in grief, but it did the opposite.  When I feel sad now I do something to help me feel close to my baby, I let myself feel sad for a little bit, then I feel better and am able to live my life.  I am happy.  My baby’s due date was last week.  I thought it would be a sad day, but it wasn’t.  Instead of grieving I felt like celebrating.  In my church we believe that families can be together again after we die.  I believe this includes the baby I love.  I felt so grateful for this baby, and I look forward to the time when I can see my baby.

Mingli started nursery at church a few weeks ago.  I was nervous that he would cry or be really upset.  He did cry when I left the room, but I waited outside the door and it only took about 30 seconds for him to stop crying.  When Kaanas picked him up his teachers said he had been fine the whole time, just a little quiet.  The next Sunday Mingli didn’t even seem to notice when I left, even though I said bye to him (I know some people think it is easier for the child if you sneak out without them seeing, but I don’t like to do that because I feel like sends the message to the child that mommy and daddy can disappear at anytime, without any warning).  When I picked him up he was playing with blocks.  He didn’t notice when I came in, so I sat down beside him.  He looked at me, smiled, then went back to playing with his blocks.  He didn’t want to leave.  I was really relieved that Mingli is taking to nursery so well.  He loves being with other kids, and he doesn’t get that too much.  It is also easier on Sunday for Kaanas and me.  We teach a primary class with 5-6 year olds.  It was a bit difficult doing that with Mingli.  Now we can focus on our class and Mingli gets to have fun playing with toys, other kids, having singing time, and eating snacks.  It is great for all of us.

Well, that’s all I can think of right now.


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