Apologizing for my baby

Today I had my postpartum doctor’s appointment.  My doctor is about 30 minutes away from where Kaanas and I live, and since Ovin lives in the same town as my doctor we decided to visit him while we were there to save us a trip.  So after my appointment we called Ovin and decided to go to lunch.  On the way Mingli started screaming.  I knew he was hungry.  He had sat through a car ride and then a doctor’s appointment, so he wanted to eat, but I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I don’t mind nursing around people under certain circumstances, but I did not want to nurse while eating lunch with my brother, especially since I hate using a blanket.  So instead when we got to the restaurant I parked under a tree, opened the car door, and nursed Mingli in the car while Kaanas and Ovin talked a little ways away from the car.  Mingli is a quick eater, so it only took about ten minutes, but I felt really bad about it.  When I joined up with them I apologized for needing to feed Mingli, then I realized what I was doing.  I also realized that I apologize for Mingli a lot.  I apologize when Mingli throws up right as I am walking out the door, so I end up being late, when Mingli is sick and won’t let me put him down, so I don’t get the clothes folded, when Mingli’s diaper leaks at the doctor’s office, when people come to visit unexpectedly and it is during a time when Mingli is hungry.  I also realized that I should not be apologizing when my infant son has needs and I need to take care of him.  I am his mother, and my first responsibility is to my child.  I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking care of my child.  And if I keep apologizing for needing to take care of him, what message is that going to send to Mingli when he begins to be able to understand?  I do not want him to ever feel like he is a burden.


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